House of Healing

fault. such a crazy mind game.

i'm back for another week in the "healing house"

Graduation

Today marks the first day where I can actually say I am sad for graduation. Before today when people talked about how sad they were to be getting done with college, I always nodded and said, "Yea...it'll be sad to leave." But not until this moment can I actually say I feel truly sad about it. Sad enough to shed tears. Sad enough to call up friends. Sad enough to procrastinate for two hours to live through past moments with my roommate.

I just sat in the alumni house kitchen with Chad and chatted on countertops for TWO STRAIGHT HOURS. We talked about how we've noticed that we have actually become roommates over the course of the year. At the end of the year housing banquet, we were gabber-gabber-gabber! all fast paced and interacting while others watched us in awe. Chad describes it by turning his hands into talking puppets of us each going crazy back and forth. Yep, we're roommies. This is our last two weeks of being roommates - and it will never be this way again. Sad.

Before this I have thought, "yea, its sad - i'll miss people - but seriously. I CAN'T WAIT TO TEACH!!!" and moving and researching VA - it was all 99% excitement. But today with Chad and my long chat and talking about graduation and future plans and our feelings about it and on and on for two hours...And with this being the second to last night class with my favorite CALT majors in the entire world - the people who have studied hard with me for three years, laughed, cried, shared first experiences, shared last experiences, shared my world - my best friends...I'm sad.

I've noticed we're all starting to stay later after every class. We lolligag in our seats and proceed at a crawling pace down the long hallways. We stop at the doors and continue on for a while with our conversing. We make more plans - nearly every night a new idea. Our last attempts to hold on. To make the most. It's sad.

Here begins a long two weeks of up and down emotion.

My Protective Roomie

I decided after this weekend that any boy who wants to date me will have to pass the Chad-Proof-Test.

15 Hours

15 hours crammed in a van full of his best buds. 15 hours of memories and laughter. 15 hours of mourning.

I cannot imagine how people go through loss without hope.

There are days I fall into that trap of lies. Today was one of them.
A certain person is crabbing at me to take care of something that I do not feel is my responsibility. A group breaks a lamp at the house and drama that I cannot handle rises. I do not feel like finishing this assignment or going to your class to hear your lecture today. I just want to tell everyone to bug off - he's gone. None of this matters. I feel unable to move. Unwilling to try. Getting out of bed is an impossible feat. Sleeping away hours much more plausible. Giving up acceptable.

I remember this is the path of those without hope. I remember the stories of his life. I remember our joy in repeating old stories. I remember what we live for. I remember: "The truth is, it's just for a short time." I remember we'll laugh together soon.

15 hours in a van comes back to me.

Him.

Every time I get caught up in settling, I remember you.

--Hope--

Come to the lover, you who want, and you'll want no more.

Irony.

Yesterday I told God I wasn't going to worry about money.

Today Rayford died and I'll need to buy a new car, I found out they sent me three letters for the same scholarship, and all of my "pending" funds online were processed from my weekend shopping spree with the girls... and I'm budgetting to move to VA. Oof. Looks like I'll not be getting TV, internet, phone, ANYTHING in my apartment next year!

Oh, what a sense of humor our God has!

Love on me, my lover

I have so many changes to make in my life, God, it's overwhelming. Total renovation - Step by step, I guess. Make me new from the inside out. I want to die to myself and be for real. I want to give everything I have to my students--my time, money, resources, hope, joy, strength. I want to build them up and inspire them. I am so selfish - help me to give it all up for your work, Lord. Help me to hold fast and to THRIVE. I want to thrive for you, Lord. You have blessed and rewarded me beyond belief with things I never did deserve. I barely give back anything. Help me to see life from your eyes and find my purpose and strength and joy and HOPE in you alone, Oh God. I love you.

Find your eternity in each moment. - Henry David Thoreau

Scandal in the House

This time it was a "Clash!!! Wobble..wobble..wobble.." [silence] of a dropped and rolling plate as opposed to the "Clump-clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump-clump oooooooyy!" of my feet going heels up down each of the individual wooden stairs.

My wonderful roomy, as usual, comes out of his room to check up on my status of survival.

K: "Yes. I did just fall down the stairs again. AND! I ruined my dessert." *Points to chocolate bar smashed on floor*

C: *Rolls eyes and smirks*

K: "You should know this by now..."

C: "It's a Wednesday night, Kate!!"

K: "Yea, and I think I do better with alcohol."

C: "That's because I carry you up the stairs!"

What would he do without me to take care of??? Life becomes less boring.

For Andy.

http://www.ourrisingsound.com/2007/10/03/john-mark-mcmillan-performs-how-he-loves-us-at-the-call/

Watch this video. I get it.

My Friends are Dropping like Flies

Death is just a natural part of life, so they say.

Thoughts of a Pensive Spirit

What a confusing stage of life. It's a dead night here at the hotel and my thoughts wander. This semester has brought on many changes. For the first time since freshman year, I get to have fun in college without the overwhelming weight of twenty credits and fifty after-school volunteer programs. I find myself going out for an evening of fun nearly every night, yet there are times when I come home all laughed out and lay in silence and wonder, "What am I doing? What a wasted night." I understand that each day is a gift from God, meant to be enjoyed...and yet, life lived only for myself has left me empty and dry. I do not know where I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to invest myself into others. I know what to do as a teacher, as a wife, as a mother...but in this stage of nothingness--what am I to do?

Stagnant.

What a nasty word.

I don't necessarily like who I am becoming. But I don't necessarily like who I was either. Everything in life is a balance, they say.

An old mentor was asking after my life in the past year. How do you describe a year in a sentence? How do you really answer, "How are you?" At any given moment, I AM fifty billion emotions and senses and thoughts and experiences. How do you explain that to another?

This respected one believes in me - wants to see me 'thrive.' I don't know what that looks like. I feel like a let down. I can't answer, "How are you?" ...but "How are you not?" I'm certainly not thriving.

I want to thrive. But I don't get it. And I'm scared. And directionless.

Is this all a natural part of the self's preparation for leaving a stage behind to head to the world?

I'm blabbering. I am blabber - it's how I process. I need to figure out who I want to be and do it. I love lists. They are measurable. Where do I start?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L3k6zc9Ugw

A fountain for the thirsty
A lover for the lonely

This is our God.

He will wipe away your tears
And return your wasted years

This is our God.

"To err is human, to forgive divine" - Pope

It's amazing how little you can hurt someone by holding a grudge. At the time, you feel they are affected by your cold looks and sharp words when in reality it is only the holder of the grudge that gets deeper and deeper into his own muck.

In my crown financial class last week we were talking about the plethora of physical ailments that a certain man has suffered. It is believed that these conditions came from years and years of unforgiveness towards a dispute with his brother over land. No way. Cataracts because of unforgiveness?


Splitting families, increasing risk for heart failure, and adding to the number of unhappy days...this is the power of not letting go.

Yet despite the knowledge we have of the facts...holding a grudge does not really hurt the other like we want it to and instead only hinders our own ability to live...I still can call it no less than divine to be able to forgive.

How hard it is to want another's happiness while withholding your own.

Pope said it all. To forgive is to be an angel.