Forever Hope

The Lord has blessed me; I received two notes from students this week containing encouraging news. May my students grow. May my life be used for the glory of the Lord. May my work not be in vain.

Proverbs

"A teacher is a person who never says anything once."

I could preach a single bullet point till my lungs go airless, and still one child will miss it. Today I asked a student "do you ever listen to a thing I say???" He just smiled, slyly.

The latest dart that Satan has thrown my way is a new kind of comparison; a deeper level of envy. I work with the perfect couple: always teasing happily, throwing big surprises for one another, talking joyously. Everyone admires them and wants to be them. People invite them over for couple dinners. The kids dream of their future babies. Everyone is involved.

I want to be the one that people want to be.

I question what is wrong with my relationships, seeing what needs to happen so that I can "measure up." I decide, well - I'll never make mine work like theirs because I'm not her. I'm never going to be as perfect as her. If I can't ever be that, then am I at least satisfied with what I am, what my relationships look like.

I don't know.

JV: Where I Wanna Be!

I have decided to always remain connected to a JV in some way or another :) This weekend was not one to note. I slept all day and all night and am still coming out of it exhausted - - - how do you figure that? I have felt alone and fatigued and frustrated and in despair. Tonight as we were closing our eyes to pray, this young 6th grader slipped her little hand into mine. It spoke wonders. She uplifted me and comforted me and the Lord used her to bless my life. I am once again ready for another week.

After the lesson, we went outside to play a game of baseball. I LOVE JV because when I play sports with them, #1) I am not the worst player on the team, and #2) sometimes I even seem good to them!!! With high school, college, or later - I am the worst one on a team and nobody throws the ball to me or includes me. It's nice that they are "at my level" of sport-retardation. Also, I feel like "I'm BACK!" The real me... I got hit with a ball today on my forearm and there is still remaining a large, red, round spot the size of a baseball. When I first joined JV I came home with a new cut, scrape, scar, or bruise every day. It has been a while and school has kept me home a lot of Wednesday and Sunday evenings, but it feels good to be back crazy and LOUD with the group again.

I can't wait for summer.

Let's be in love again

Remember those days when we were inseperable? Finished the other's sentences? Laughed in the same key?

Remember the days our thoughts were romantisized? Virginia but a coast of beauty and discovery?

Let's be in love again.

Down-trodden

It has been what... nine months since I made my trek to VA? Definitely feels like home, and I am contented in this place. I do have one quarry, however; and that is how difficult it is to be 18 hours away from a loved one that is deeply breaking. I have not experienced "home-sickness" in the sense that I just want desperately to go home to MN for my own sake, but I have felt desperate pleas for God to hold a beloved that I cannot be with in body. It is so painful for me to sit here across the country and listen to a mourning voice through a phone line and not be able to do anything. What a helpless situation. A time when one can only say to the self: Trust that God loves this person more than you ever can. Trust that God wants what is best for this person even more than you ever have. Even more difficult is it to picture a loved one in a situation that I ran away from. I escaped that, yes. But I left you there.
I am sorry.
I wish I were there instead of you. I wish I were there to carry it with you. It is so hard to sit idle by, when my life is working itself out optimistically for the self.

I miss you. I want to take it all for you. I love you.

Virginian weather fluctuates just as much as MN, except instead of 30, 0, 30, 0, it's 60, 30, 60, 30, windows down, windows up, windows down, windows up.

I love the reconciliation of old friendships. It makes them all the more precious and valuable.

Life Lesson #459

Don't make a list. Don't have a plan. You don't know what you need anyway; it'll just screw you up and you'll miss out.

Sunglasses, windows down, breeze through the hair, a couple crosses the stop light in capris, middle of January... this is what life's all about.

Scammed

Omg. Today, I was reading this online article about this stay at home mom who made like 65K at home working through her computer advertising Google things. Sounds harmless, right? And I love making ads. So I signed up for it and they ask you for all this information to start an account, and there is a $1 activation fee. So I paid that. And then I read the instruction manual which is harder than rock and it was like, "Oh, by the way. You have 2 days to cancel or its $80 a month." So, OK. I read it, find out unless some computer nerd wants to get me started, I'll never figure it out - so I call the number that it says to call if you want to cancel. Some dude gets on, doesn't ask me what I want, just starts asking for information. I kept saying "so this is to cancel right?" "yep, yep, yep...i need this... i need this..." So then I re-give him all my crap. My username, password, credit card, address, phone number, etc. everything. "I can't find your account but what I can do for you is give the IT guys this information so they can find it and cancel it." "You have two days to do this. I have to cancel in two days." "Well I'll send them the form and they'll get back to you as soon as possible." Great. Now I'll have to go into the bank and cancel my credit card, too.

Today, while trying to be funny, a new friend of mine commented on a facebook response that Andy had left. It was like he was alive again - odd feeling.

It's strange to be lost; stranger still to belong.

Call it crazy, or call it my lack of ability to define happiness, but I'm ready for another move.; Maybe it's my unwillingness to define myself within an identity. I don't want to settle. And I can't figure out what I want from this life. So I'm just going to keep on going and won't stop.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, most of life is spent waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting,

My life is kid-lacking and unfulfilled. I need it to be next fall - pronto. This full time job of wasting time is not doing me well.

Pray I get the long-term substitute position to carry me to next fall at Glass again!