Find your eternity in each moment. - Henry David Thoreau

Scandal in the House

This time it was a "Clash!!! Wobble..wobble..wobble.." [silence] of a dropped and rolling plate as opposed to the "Clump-clump, clump, clump, clump, clump, clump-clump oooooooyy!" of my feet going heels up down each of the individual wooden stairs.

My wonderful roomy, as usual, comes out of his room to check up on my status of survival.

K: "Yes. I did just fall down the stairs again. AND! I ruined my dessert." *Points to chocolate bar smashed on floor*

C: *Rolls eyes and smirks*

K: "You should know this by now..."

C: "It's a Wednesday night, Kate!!"

K: "Yea, and I think I do better with alcohol."

C: "That's because I carry you up the stairs!"

What would he do without me to take care of??? Life becomes less boring.

For Andy.

http://www.ourrisingsound.com/2007/10/03/john-mark-mcmillan-performs-how-he-loves-us-at-the-call/

Watch this video. I get it.

My Friends are Dropping like Flies

Death is just a natural part of life, so they say.

Thoughts of a Pensive Spirit

What a confusing stage of life. It's a dead night here at the hotel and my thoughts wander. This semester has brought on many changes. For the first time since freshman year, I get to have fun in college without the overwhelming weight of twenty credits and fifty after-school volunteer programs. I find myself going out for an evening of fun nearly every night, yet there are times when I come home all laughed out and lay in silence and wonder, "What am I doing? What a wasted night." I understand that each day is a gift from God, meant to be enjoyed...and yet, life lived only for myself has left me empty and dry. I do not know where I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to invest myself into others. I know what to do as a teacher, as a wife, as a mother...but in this stage of nothingness--what am I to do?

Stagnant.

What a nasty word.

I don't necessarily like who I am becoming. But I don't necessarily like who I was either. Everything in life is a balance, they say.

An old mentor was asking after my life in the past year. How do you describe a year in a sentence? How do you really answer, "How are you?" At any given moment, I AM fifty billion emotions and senses and thoughts and experiences. How do you explain that to another?

This respected one believes in me - wants to see me 'thrive.' I don't know what that looks like. I feel like a let down. I can't answer, "How are you?" ...but "How are you not?" I'm certainly not thriving.

I want to thrive. But I don't get it. And I'm scared. And directionless.

Is this all a natural part of the self's preparation for leaving a stage behind to head to the world?

I'm blabbering. I am blabber - it's how I process. I need to figure out who I want to be and do it. I love lists. They are measurable. Where do I start?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L3k6zc9Ugw

A fountain for the thirsty
A lover for the lonely

This is our God.

He will wipe away your tears
And return your wasted years

This is our God.

"To err is human, to forgive divine" - Pope

It's amazing how little you can hurt someone by holding a grudge. At the time, you feel they are affected by your cold looks and sharp words when in reality it is only the holder of the grudge that gets deeper and deeper into his own muck.

In my crown financial class last week we were talking about the plethora of physical ailments that a certain man has suffered. It is believed that these conditions came from years and years of unforgiveness towards a dispute with his brother over land. No way. Cataracts because of unforgiveness?


Splitting families, increasing risk for heart failure, and adding to the number of unhappy days...this is the power of not letting go.

Yet despite the knowledge we have of the facts...holding a grudge does not really hurt the other like we want it to and instead only hinders our own ability to live...I still can call it no less than divine to be able to forgive.

How hard it is to want another's happiness while withholding your own.

Pope said it all. To forgive is to be an angel.

My closet is the best hiding spot for tears.

It is true that most of life's problems can be subdued in the light of eternity. Small toils and snares compared to what we are living towards.

Today I learned that this has its drawbacks. Sometimes I just want to tell people, "Shut up. My brother just died." I remember the Sunday a week after Andy's death. Nathan and I had been planning a trip to Warped Tour, tickets and all. There was no point in not going, it wouldn't help anything, so we headed there. We listened to the "Weirsman and Beichfunkel" CDs on the way up and back. Nathan was stronger than I was at being able to handle it. I guess we mourn in different ways. We got to Warped Tour and did not have tickets because they had been left in Marshall after the funeral. Most of the admissions workers did not listen to us and gave us the eye of judgment. One man let us in, whether he believed the "sob-story" or not is your call. We got in and people would try to tell us stuff or drunk people would come up to us with funny jokes. Normally we would be lighthearted with the best of them. On this particular Sunday, we just wanted to be left alone. Nathan said we should make shirts, "Our best friend just died. We don't want to small talk." Sometimes you just want people to leave you alone. (I guess it has since been a reminder to treat others as if they need more love than ever on any particular day. We just never know what people are carrying).

Tonight in the library, I felt so dejected that I started to get physically sick. I don't need your snippy comments, I have enough crap of my own. Jerks. (You never know how much of an effect what you say will have far into the future...). I needed to get out of there and into the fresh air and sit down. After a lot of slow breaths and meditations of "You are so good to me," I am finally calmed in spirits. It's weird how the pains of your heart can affect you so--even on the outside.

Rentals.

Katie: Mom, can Mike come over tomorrow while you're gone and fix my computer?
Madre: Are you going to have sex?
Katie: Nooope!
Madre: Are you going to be tempted to have sex?
Katie: Nooope! But we might do drugs...
Madre: Well, drugs don't lead to babies. Ok, then.

Every lament is a love song.

I remember you like yesterday.
I still can't believe your gone.
I remember you like yesterday.
And until I'm with you...I'll carry on.