Thoughts of a Pensive Spirit

What a confusing stage of life. It's a dead night here at the hotel and my thoughts wander. This semester has brought on many changes. For the first time since freshman year, I get to have fun in college without the overwhelming weight of twenty credits and fifty after-school volunteer programs. I find myself going out for an evening of fun nearly every night, yet there are times when I come home all laughed out and lay in silence and wonder, "What am I doing? What a wasted night." I understand that each day is a gift from God, meant to be enjoyed...and yet, life lived only for myself has left me empty and dry. I do not know where I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to invest myself into others. I know what to do as a teacher, as a wife, as a mother...but in this stage of nothingness--what am I to do?

Stagnant.

What a nasty word.

I don't necessarily like who I am becoming. But I don't necessarily like who I was either. Everything in life is a balance, they say.

An old mentor was asking after my life in the past year. How do you describe a year in a sentence? How do you really answer, "How are you?" At any given moment, I AM fifty billion emotions and senses and thoughts and experiences. How do you explain that to another?

This respected one believes in me - wants to see me 'thrive.' I don't know what that looks like. I feel like a let down. I can't answer, "How are you?" ...but "How are you not?" I'm certainly not thriving.

I want to thrive. But I don't get it. And I'm scared. And directionless.

Is this all a natural part of the self's preparation for leaving a stage behind to head to the world?

I'm blabbering. I am blabber - it's how I process. I need to figure out who I want to be and do it. I love lists. They are measurable. Where do I start?