Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
not a big deal
though outwardly we are wasting away inwardly we are being renewed day by day. renewed? you freaking crapping me? not quite how i'd describe my change from yesterday. and the day before that. and the day before that.
fault. it is my fault. always my fault. i could have just been talking to you instead. i could have been saving babies. i could have been freaking giving money to the hungry.
renewed. hilarious. that's a good one.
good lord. (understatement)
take away my anger and pride enough to want to be in your heaven.
fault. it is my fault. always my fault. i could have just been talking to you instead. i could have been saving babies. i could have been freaking giving money to the hungry.
renewed. hilarious. that's a good one.
good lord. (understatement)
take away my anger and pride enough to want to be in your heaven.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Graduation
Today marks the first day where I can actually say I am sad for graduation. Before today when people talked about how sad they were to be getting done with college, I always nodded and said, "Yea...it'll be sad to leave." But not until this moment can I actually say I feel truly sad about it. Sad enough to shed tears. Sad enough to call up friends. Sad enough to procrastinate for two hours to live through past moments with my roommate.
I just sat in the alumni house kitchen with Chad and chatted on countertops for TWO STRAIGHT HOURS. We talked about how we've noticed that we have actually become roommates over the course of the year. At the end of the year housing banquet, we were gabber-gabber-gabber! all fast paced and interacting while others watched us in awe. Chad describes it by turning his hands into talking puppets of us each going crazy back and forth. Yep, we're roommies. This is our last two weeks of being roommates - and it will never be this way again. Sad.
Before this I have thought, "yea, its sad - i'll miss people - but seriously. I CAN'T WAIT TO TEACH!!!" and moving and researching VA - it was all 99% excitement. But today with Chad and my long chat and talking about graduation and future plans and our feelings about it and on and on for two hours...And with this being the second to last night class with my favorite CALT majors in the entire world - the people who have studied hard with me for three years, laughed, cried, shared first experiences, shared last experiences, shared my world - my best friends...I'm sad.
I've noticed we're all starting to stay later after every class. We lolligag in our seats and proceed at a crawling pace down the long hallways. We stop at the doors and continue on for a while with our conversing. We make more plans - nearly every night a new idea. Our last attempts to hold on. To make the most. It's sad.
Here begins a long two weeks of up and down emotion.
I just sat in the alumni house kitchen with Chad and chatted on countertops for TWO STRAIGHT HOURS. We talked about how we've noticed that we have actually become roommates over the course of the year. At the end of the year housing banquet, we were gabber-gabber-gabber! all fast paced and interacting while others watched us in awe. Chad describes it by turning his hands into talking puppets of us each going crazy back and forth. Yep, we're roommies. This is our last two weeks of being roommates - and it will never be this way again. Sad.
Before this I have thought, "yea, its sad - i'll miss people - but seriously. I CAN'T WAIT TO TEACH!!!" and moving and researching VA - it was all 99% excitement. But today with Chad and my long chat and talking about graduation and future plans and our feelings about it and on and on for two hours...And with this being the second to last night class with my favorite CALT majors in the entire world - the people who have studied hard with me for three years, laughed, cried, shared first experiences, shared last experiences, shared my world - my best friends...I'm sad.
I've noticed we're all starting to stay later after every class. We lolligag in our seats and proceed at a crawling pace down the long hallways. We stop at the doors and continue on for a while with our conversing. We make more plans - nearly every night a new idea. Our last attempts to hold on. To make the most. It's sad.
Here begins a long two weeks of up and down emotion.
Monday, April 20, 2009
My Protective Roomie
I decided after this weekend that any boy who wants to date me will have to pass the Chad-Proof-Test.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
15 Hours
15 hours crammed in a van full of his best buds. 15 hours of memories and laughter. 15 hours of mourning.
I cannot imagine how people go through loss without hope.
There are days I fall into that trap of lies. Today was one of them.
A certain person is crabbing at me to take care of something that I do not feel is my responsibility. A group breaks a lamp at the house and drama that I cannot handle rises. I do not feel like finishing this assignment or going to your class to hear your lecture today. I just want to tell everyone to bug off - he's gone. None of this matters. I feel unable to move. Unwilling to try. Getting out of bed is an impossible feat. Sleeping away hours much more plausible. Giving up acceptable.
I remember this is the path of those without hope. I remember the stories of his life. I remember our joy in repeating old stories. I remember what we live for. I remember: "The truth is, it's just for a short time." I remember we'll laugh together soon.
15 hours in a van comes back to me.
I cannot imagine how people go through loss without hope.
There are days I fall into that trap of lies. Today was one of them.
A certain person is crabbing at me to take care of something that I do not feel is my responsibility. A group breaks a lamp at the house and drama that I cannot handle rises. I do not feel like finishing this assignment or going to your class to hear your lecture today. I just want to tell everyone to bug off - he's gone. None of this matters. I feel unable to move. Unwilling to try. Getting out of bed is an impossible feat. Sleeping away hours much more plausible. Giving up acceptable.
I remember this is the path of those without hope. I remember the stories of his life. I remember our joy in repeating old stories. I remember what we live for. I remember: "The truth is, it's just for a short time." I remember we'll laugh together soon.
15 hours in a van comes back to me.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Irony.
Yesterday I told God I wasn't going to worry about money.
Today Rayford died and I'll need to buy a new car, I found out they sent me three letters for the same scholarship, and all of my "pending" funds online were processed from my weekend shopping spree with the girls... and I'm budgetting to move to VA. Oof. Looks like I'll not be getting TV, internet, phone, ANYTHING in my apartment next year!
Oh, what a sense of humor our God has!
Today Rayford died and I'll need to buy a new car, I found out they sent me three letters for the same scholarship, and all of my "pending" funds online were processed from my weekend shopping spree with the girls... and I'm budgetting to move to VA. Oof. Looks like I'll not be getting TV, internet, phone, ANYTHING in my apartment next year!
Oh, what a sense of humor our God has!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Love on me, my lover
I have so many changes to make in my life, God, it's overwhelming. Total renovation - Step by step, I guess. Make me new from the inside out. I want to die to myself and be for real. I want to give everything I have to my students--my time, money, resources, hope, joy, strength. I want to build them up and inspire them. I am so selfish - help me to give it all up for your work, Lord. Help me to hold fast and to THRIVE. I want to thrive for you, Lord. You have blessed and rewarded me beyond belief with things I never did deserve. I barely give back anything. Help me to see life from your eyes and find my purpose and strength and joy and HOPE in you alone, Oh God. I love you.
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